Can't Get Any Better
by gravity5
Summary: Perry's requests for a vacation have finally been answered. The catch? He has to stay at the DEI with none other than Heinz Doofenshmirtz as his pet-sitter until the Flynn-Fletchers come back from a vacation. Luckily for Perry, the author is here to save him. Who will be the one playing as the author? Will he/she be the one to turn this lame vacation into fun or failure? Let's see.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello everyone. I know you are wondering how I am writing to you. Well, I just borrowed a laptop and uploaded a couple of docs so I could type on my phone. I know you guys are waiting for a new Phintastic chapter and I am seriously almost done with it but it was on my laptop so... Anyway, this is a new story that I would Kline to finally put up. I grave been thinking about this since the Perry and Penny days. Yes, that long. Thanks for holding on to Phintastic and I hope you'll like this too. Lets go!**

Perry was out of his mind excited. Monogram had finally answered his vacation requests so now he got to go to LA with the Flynn-Fletcher's. This was going to be so-

Linda interrupted the speech.

"The pet sitter will come any minute, boys. Let's get Perry into his carrier."

Perry's world came crashing down. He thought he was going with them. How unfair! He hates getting caught off guard after experiencing it millions of times with Doof.

Phineas says, "I'm sure Perry can come with us if we can make a device that disguiseme him as a baby."

Good old, Phineas. Always trying to save the day.

"Oh, that's nice, kids. Even if you did try to do that, we would have to buy an extra ticket and we can't do that," Linda replied.

Phooey!

Candace scoffs, "I for one am glad that the meat brick isn't tagging along."

Thank you, Candace. Love is bursting from your heart.

The doorbell rang.

"The pet sitter must be here!" Linda announced as she opened the door.

The pet sitter is revealed to be none other than the half-evil Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

"Hello, I am here to sit on your pet," Heinz introduces.

"I'm glad Charlene recommended you. She says you are around platypuses often. Is that correct?" Linda questions.

"Yes yes," Doof assured her. He pricked up the carrier. "We're going to have so much fun together."

"That's nice. You'll get the 500 when we get back in 2 weeks. Bye!" Linda bid as she led the family and Heinz out, locked the door, and drove away.

"You can cut it out now, Perry the Platypus. Look, the OWCA needed a guy to pretend to petsit you knowing your secret identity. I kind of fit the bill, no pun intended. I'm going to drive you to the DEI and just chill the rest of the summer. What do you say?" Doof explains.

Perry, now out of his carrier, gave a thumbs up and hopped into the driver's seat.

"Did you not hear me? I'm not letting you drive," Doof refused.

Perry starts to point at his head, then to Doof, and then to himself.

"Oh that! They'll use the Amnesia-inator on me so don't worry. Buckle up, I don't need any more tickets," Doof ordered him.

In a scene shift, the duo were in the DEI and Doofy here was explaining the house rules.

"No destroying my house. Don't lay a finger on my inators. You have to tell me in some way or form where you are going and when. Don't enter Vanessa's room without permission. Last but not least, Norm is off-limits. Understand?" Doof listed.

Perry tools his eyes and gave a half-hearted thumbs up.

"Good. Wow, time sure does fly by. I suggest we hit the hay," Doof suggests.

**A/N: Yep. Don't worry. I'm making it up to you guys. Lucky for me I was a strong trooper back then and I wrote the chapters out beforehand. You'll see more of me really soon. Ciao!**


	2. Chapter 2: A New Day

A/N:** Hi guys. This is Gravity5 again. I'm just going to post about Perry and Doofenshmirtz's Day One. Seriously, it's funny. I know a couple of things have already been done by Disney but I told you I wrote this way before anyone even thought of the idea. So, enjoy. **

*Cereal

"Perry the Platypus, don't eat too much cereal. You'll get a sugar high," Doof warned.

Perry ignores him and continues pouring the cereal.

*Sugar High

"Look, now you're bouncing off the walls," Doof observed.

Perry was literally bouncing off the walls. He jumped from wall to wall breaking things along the way. Doof sighs.

"I'll wait for the sugar crash," Doof says.

*Sugar Crash

"I have got to hide the sugary cereal," Doof thought.

Perry was sprawled out on the couch out cold.

*Fire Hydrant

"Perry! You peed on my fire hydrant? It was a cherished memory!" Doof yelled from another room.

Perry hastily wrote a note and bolted out the door. Don't want to break the house rules, do we?

*Animal Translator

"Behold, the Animal Translator. You just eat them and you can talk for a good hour. I want you to test it," Doof told him holding out a pack of Smarties. **(I know I've used this before.) **

Perry hastily ate one and started to speak.

"Where's the remote?"

"You could have said anything in the world and you say that?" Doof asked.

"Fine. You're a fugly stupid doctor who can't tell me where the damn remote is," Perry stated.

"It's on the couch," Doof directed.

*Just Dance

"Doofy?" Perry called.

"What?" Doof called back.

"Play just dance with me," Perry demanded.

"I will not involve myself in such childish games," Doof refused.

"Please?" Perry pleaded.

"No," Doof stated.

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Pretty please with donkleberries on top?"

"Fine," Doof agreed as he picked up a controller.

"We're doing Tik Tok by Kesha," Perry spoke.

"Gosh, to think you were more mature," Doof mumbled.

"I will choose whether to act 5 or my real age. Now I'm starting the song.

*song starts*

_Now I wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy. _

_Got my glasses, I'm out the door_

_I'm gonna hit this city._

_Before I leave, brush my teeth..._

*song ends*

The winner is...Agent P!

"How is that possible?" Doof asked.

"I've got mad dancing skills. In your face!" Perry cheered.

"I can't wait until the translator wears off," Doof groaned.

*Mr. Slushy Dawg

"Come on, Perry. We're going to Mr. Slushy Dawg for lunch," Doof announced.

"You think they'll let me in there?" Perry inquired.

"They let me in there," Doof replied simply.

"Let's go!" Perry yelled already in the car.

*arrived and are in the middle of eating*

"Doof?" Perry asks.

"Yes?" Doof responded.

"What's in a Slushy Dawg?" Perry inquired.

"I don't really know. I'll go ask," Doof decided.

*goes and comes back*

"Doof?" Perry asks.

"Yeah?" Doof squeaked.

"What's in a Slushy Dawg?" Perry persists.

"I'd rather not say," Doof tries.

"I'm going to act my real age now. Tell me," Perry demanded.

"Well...it's 50% pork," Doof started.

"It's weird but I'm okay with that. What else?" Perry interjected.

"It's also...50% platypus."

"Forget everything I said! GOOOSHHH! Oh my freaking gosh I really did! I'm a cannibal. Why did I even eat this? What if everyone is eating someone I know? What about my mom? Take me home, now!" Perry cries.

Doof cradles Perry and puts him in the car.

"There there. Don't cry. We'll never come here again, I promise," Doof swore.

*back at the DEI*

"Do you think I ate my mom?" Perry beseeched.

"That's ridiculous. Someone else probably did," Doof related.

A few minutes later, Perry is in a corner holding a ray gun muttering, " Mr. Slushy Dawg won't get me."

*Slaps

Doofenshmirtz was reading a book when Perry came up and slapped him.

"What was that for?" Doof whined.

"You scarred me for life and because I can," Perry stated.

*Bath Time

"Come on Perry. It's bath time," Doof calls.

"No!" Perry yells.

"How are you still talking?" Doof asked.

"I took a bunch of those pill things," Perry admitted.

"What? You'll be talking for days. Get in the bath or I'll bathe you," Doof ordered as he picked Perry by the scruff of his neck and dumped him into the tub.

"This is abuse! Get me out of here! I'm going to drown!" Perry squeals.

"You're semi-aquatic," Doof remarked.

"So? Just leave me alone. I mean, bathe me? You didn't even say no homo," Perry spoke.

Doof sprays Perry with soapy water. "Back! Back I say!"

"Fine. I'm bathing, see? Now get the hell out of the bathroom," Perry ordered.

*Dinner

"Now, Perry the Platypus, since you obviously won't be eating out for a while, I made dinner," Doof reported.

"I hope you are better at making food than you are at making inators," Perry remarked.

"I don't know how to respond to that," Doof said.

"Then don't," Perry snapped.

"Well, Perry the Sassapus, try it first," Doof persists.

After a first bite of Drusselstein food, Perry starts to eat a ton.

"Don't mess with the cook," Doof asserted.

"Don't mess with the cook," Perry recited.

*Bedtime

"Time for bed," Doof announced.

"Fine," Perry agrees.

"Here is your room," Doof directed.

"I get my own room?" Perry asks.

"Yes, yes you do," Doof answered.

"But-," Perry tried but he was interrupted.

"Goodnight!" Doof interjected as he walked away.

Doof closes the door and goes to his room reminiscing about the day. He soon fell asleep. A few hours later, he has a warm feeling on his legs. He turns on his lamp on his nightstand to find Perry fast asleep on his bed. Doof sighed and went back to sleep.

**A/N: There we go, another one. Boom! Anyway, you might find another one up today. I'm making a couple of changes. I know, already. I'm going to change the story pic to something cool and I'm introducing a new OC and it's going to be me. Well, the author which is me but I created her to be super awesome and nothing like me (I'm ultra awesome, duh!) Anyway, review and see you later! Ciao!**


	3. Chapter 3: ?

**A/N: My new OC is coming today. I named her Vanessa because Vanessa is a cool character. Vanessa's never seem to be the ugly ones in movies. Even in the Little Mermaid, Ursula was a girl named Vanessa but at least she looked pretty. This is obviously based off a My Dictator Level is Over 9000 story aka NattyMC which I just found out today. **

A sexy girl dressed in a red tank top covered by a black leather jacket, accompanied with black spankies and high-heeled black boots. She had black hair but her intentions were darker.

"What are you doing?" Doof asked.

A dramatic entrance, duh.

"Who the heck are you?" Doof questioned.

I'm the author of this story. My name is gravity5 but you can call me Vanessa. I already told you what I'm wearing, oh, I'm black, and I love dramatic entrances.

"I have a daughter named Vanessa," Doof shared.

Exactly why I chose it. I'm like her but 10x better.

"Don't talk about my daughter that way," Doof demanded.

Listen, dude. I don't follow orders, you follow mine. You better cooperate or you will be fighting a gruesome death, you got it?

"Wow, you're evil," Doof commented.

I don't believe in labels. I have a multi-personality. I look good in anything too.

"You really are arrogant," Doof told her.

Try me. I can be anything you want.

"Look like a secret agent," Doof said.

Vanessa poofs into a black jumpsuit V-neck with a white belt and gray boots.

Doof and Perry's mouths gape.

You can look but you can't touch. Seriously, I'm 14 so don't do that. **(I love making up ages) **

"Krrrrr," Perry spoke.

"I know, right!" Doof agreed.

Okay. You know what? This is getting awkward. I'll come back tomorrow.

Vanessa leaves.

"What just happened?" Doof asks.

Perry just shrugs.

**A/N: That's all I'm doing. You guys will see more maybe tomorrow even though I have work to do. I hope you guys have a good day or night wherever you are. I appreciate you! Ciao!**


	4. Chapter 4: She's Back?

**A/N: Hey. I know tht I said I would upload tomorrow but I'm really busy so I'm doing it today. Yay! I added my OC, I added a theme song, and I'm putting in a custom pic later. **

_You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em_

_But you won't take the sting out these words before I say 'em_

_Cause ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causing mayhem_

_When I say I'ma do something I do it,_

_I don't give a damn what you think,_

_I'm doing this for me, so f*ck the world_

_Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if it thinks it's stopping me_

_I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly_

_And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony_

_No ifs, ands or buts, don't try to ask him why or how can he_

_From "Infinite" down to the last "Relapse" album_

_He's still sh*tting, whether he's on salary paid hourly_

_Until he bows out or he sh*ts his bowels out of him_

_Whichever comes first, for better or worse_

_He's married to the game, like a f*ck you for Christmas_

_His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he's got the urge_

_To pull his d*ck from the dirt, and f*ck the whole universe_

Hi guys. You know who it is. I'm back!

"What are you doing back here?" Doof asks.

I'm officially welcome here.

"Why is that?" Doof interrogated.

It's a funny store. I'm bored this summer so you're technically letting me stay here.

"Woah! What makes you think I'm going to let some random stranger stay at my house!" Doof yelled.

One, we're not strangers. We met yesterday. Two, come on. It's boring in my mansion and I want an adventure. I already told my parents I was staying here so don't try to back out.

" I'm still unsure, "Doof replied.

I'll pay you.

I think the rest of the summer will cost $600 which isn't a lot for me but whatever.

"I have a room for you, right here, "Doof directed.

He led her to a room with a green bed, a brown nightstand with white lamp, and is connected to it.

Mind if I redecorate?

"Not at all," Doof permitted.

The room was then transformed into a girl's paradise. Her sheets and blanket was now a zebra print with pink billows at the top of the bed. Hot pink carpet covered the floor. There was now a black desk with a turquoise laptop on it and a black desk chair. Posters of Eminem lined the walls. Bright pink hanging lamps hung from the ceiling. The boring nightstand was replaced with a guitar. A keyboard was placed in the corner equipped with a microphone. Her dresser was pure white with gold knobs. Her closet was also white and filled with clothes. Her bathroom was another story. It was small but functional. It had a zebra print rug in there but she added a pink shelf filled with hair products. The sink held hand soap and bar soap. The counter showed two hairbrushes, a comb, hairspray, a toothbrush, toothbrush, and hand sanitizer. A makeup box was also placed. Her bathtub was filled with shower gel, bar soap, a loofah, and a color-changing shower head.

Thank you and get out of my room.

Vanessa slammed her now pink door in Doofenshmirtz's face.

"Another teenage girl," Doof groaned.

Vanessa was in her room texting her friends and decided to write some Fanfiction. Then she retouched her makeup and walked back to the two. Doof was working on an inator while Perry was playing with his spy phone.

What are you guys doing? Where is the excitement?

"There isn't anything to do. I'm not up to anything evil so he's not doing anything to stop me," Doof told her.

What are you doing with that inator then?

"Oh please, I'm just taking this apart for a new inator," Doof explained.

Oh. I guess we do something crazy.

Vanessa changed into a green shirt and wore khaki short-shorts which are held by red suspenders. She even wore a Peter Pan hat and had the wooden sword.

"You look ridiculous," Doof laughed.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it," Doof volunteered.

He opened the door to reveal his daughter, Vanessa.

"Who's the slut in suspenders?" Vanessa asked.

Who's the goth who can't make black slimming?

"Vanessa, meet the author Vanessa. Author Vanessa, Vanessa," Doof introduced.

"Whatever. I won't judge you for babysitting today," Vanessa told him.

I'm staying here for the rest of the summer!

Vanessa's mouth gaped.

"But Dad! It's supposed to be my weekend. Have you already replaced me?" Vanessa demanded

"Do you even talk to me on your weekend?" Doof asked.

"No, but I don't want to be replaced. Especially with someone like her," Vanessa whined.

"How rude! Just go to your room," Doof ordered.

"Fine, I was going to do that anyway!" Vanessa yelled.

Well...what a bitch! Who does she f*cking think she is?

"She usually has this mood. Don't take it personally," Doof assured her.

Perry had then decided to stop what he was doing and see what's up.

"Look who decided to show up," Doof commented.

He doesn't go on your schedule! Gosh, leave him alone.

"Fine fine. What is up with you?" Doof complained.

Nothing is wrong with me! Oops. Anyway, I'm hungry. Can I go and buy food?

"Hmm. You buy your own food=less confrontation with my daughter at a table. Deal!" Doof agreed.

Cool. I'm taking Perry with me.

"That's where I draw the line. Perry cannot go anywhere. He's still scarred from the last time he ate out," Doof disapproved.

Perry? Please, please, please?

Perry shook his head.

Fine! I'll just eat by myself.

Vanessa slammed the door.

*1 hour later*

You're just lucky I went to Starbucks or else I really would have been weird eating alone.

"You could have taken Vanessa," Doof suggested.

Yeah, and maybe I'll take a Red Bull and jump off a building.


End file.
